When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
