i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I have fence marks all over my body
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
