u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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