A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
