Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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