This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
