there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
