The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
