I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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