I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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