I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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