Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
