If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
