i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
