Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
