Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
