she looked like the bat from fern gully.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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