So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
