Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i think i have two assholes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
