mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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