I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
