If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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