Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
