I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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