Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
