Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
