You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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