I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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