he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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