I wish life had little blips of pornography
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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