I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
