So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
