Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
