found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
