guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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