is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
