tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
