I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
