How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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