he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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