i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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