I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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