I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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