I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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