He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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