chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
