the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
