Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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