Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
