I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
